i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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