Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
