Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
