Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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