My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
