I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
