this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
