The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
