You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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