I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
