This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
