Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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