he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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