I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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