Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
