i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
