My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize
