If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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