Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
