I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
