Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
