I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
