Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
