Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
