I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
