is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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