I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
