end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
