Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
