Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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