Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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