I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
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did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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