dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
