We're facebook friends in real life
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
