I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
