When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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