The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
