I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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