my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
