My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
