just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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