I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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