my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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