It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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