I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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