youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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