the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
