Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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