remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
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