oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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