it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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