i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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