My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
