Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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