My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
