My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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