Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
