I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
