I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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