Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Randomize
