Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
