The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
